Monday pill number 1

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le storie di silvia

Lesson no. 1: write a letter before a departure

MALPENSA 12.00
GATE 21
Waiting room

Dear Marzia, I hope everything is fine. I’m at gate 21 and while I’m waiting to board, I’m writing you two lines.

I’m tired. Really tired. Perhaps, more than tired, I’m exhausted. Nothing goes as it should go. In short, arrived at the goal of thirty years if I had to take stock of what I have done until today, I would like to cancel everything with a sponge. Yes just like this. Delete everything and maybe start all over again but I would do exactly the same things, only this time I would make sure that they took a different turn. I could not imagine myself different from what I am, but certainly, I would make sure that the result of things was different.

My grandmother used to repeat to me often “if one could reason with hindsight”. At the time I did not understand, I believed that life was beautiful because unpredictable, because you never knew what you reserved and the greatest satisfaction was to be able to get the most out of the unexpected. After all they succeed and I thought exactly like those “all”. On the other hand I don’t have and I had nothing different or less than the others. Of course, everything is completely different when practically almost all of your life becomes a complete disaster. Oh God, no catastrophic disaster, thanking to God  but I learned with the years, thirty and decidedly few, to look at the glass always half full.

It is not so easy to see the glass half full, especially when you do not even see the glass or you do not want to see it anymore. Sometimes, I think, I should have seen less films or read less novels. Surely I would have had a more realistic view of life. I should have been fascinated by horror or dramatic movies, at least they did not have the happy ending and I would not have deluded myself that at the end of everything and in spite of everything, Prince Charming always comes to save you from any problem. Fuck the Prince Charming!

If I were passionate about the dramatic movies, I would have understood that the protagonists are always sunny, or at least that their Prince Charming had some flaws, that it was not beautiful and maybe even had heavy breath. I would have learned that a love story is not born in two hours, the time of a movie, or a week.

So, between a tear and a sigh, I would have never even believed to find my Prince Charming in two and a half hours, perhaps with a beautiful officer’s uniform that brings you out of the office. Maybe, if my parents had not always praised my intelligence or if my friends had not always repeated that in me there was the stuff of something (that did not refer only to the chiffon of the dress) then I think I would have solved it much more easily the conflict between what I can actually be and what they actually are.

Of course, I would have taken everything that came more consciously and with less expectations, in short, I would have thought it possible that engaged couples are not always faithful, that making a career is as easy as winning a lottery ticket and not always Prince Charming it can come either from a horse or a BMW coupè but it is often low and with a Fiat Panda.

If I had read less novels and more philosophical treatises, maybe I would have found myself reflecting on the cosmos or on the veracity of the biblical assumptions and maybe I would have lived better!

Waiting for the happy ending of the movies, however, I became gullible and dreamer, even when in reality there are not, as for example in the film Ghost, where he eventually dies and she remains alone or in Titanic where she lives up to ninety ‘ years and he dies just at twenty. In short, I found myself to see love and poetry even when these are not actually there. Actually it’s nice to think that Molly, in the movie Ghost, revises at last the ghost of her boyfriend, who before passing completely, defends her and solves her problems on the ground, and then tells her for the last time at the end I love “that she so desired. Instead, in the end it is tragic, he passes into Paradise and she, Molly, remains alone.

 We like to think, in short, that love is eternal and that we can only live on that. We like to think that Prince Charming is only one and that in the end he never dies and that, even when it happens, he becomes a ghost and will always be close to us

Mah!

If they had explained all this before, I would have stopped watching this kind of film. I might have started looking at the glass always half empty, in this way, everything that was added would have been a plus and I would have been happier. Instead, looking at him always half full, in the end I realized that despite the optimism inculcated since childhood, it actually lacks a half, and that what inside it is nothing but tap water, not even bottle! It is not envy for those who have that glass filled with Champagne or Martini or Chianti, it is simply a factual statement. If you had told me before, in your opinion, I would have made all these paranoia? I would not have canceled that asshole of my Prince Charming wrong that I met?

Well, the flight is about to leave and now I have to hurry up and get in line, otherwise I also lose yet another plane of my life. As always, I stress you with my paranoias and this time I have been trying to write you this letter during the two hours of waiting for boarding. I would have liked you to go with me, to sip our Cuba Libre on the beach while we try to get picked up and instead I will leave alone.

They assure that the locals are very expansive with the tourists and that as my Manuela friend, they offer their “Big Bamboo” very easily. I tried again not to fall in love with anyone, not to plan as usual, but only to think of myself, completely carefree and trying to forget the latter year lived between job interviews gone wrong and wrong men. I absolutely want to forget Alessio. I really hope to relax in this holiday and I hope that on my return you and the others can see that happy, determined and optimistic Silvia that I was a couple of years ago.

 Now I have to run, have already started boarding. I keep you updated on the way! 

A kiss

Silvia.

 See you on next monday 

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